Self-love is a Journey Not A Resolution
A resolution is defined as the quality of being intentionally determined or resolute. The beginning of the year brings about a lot of resolutions from most individuals that I interact with.
It may be individual intentions or team intentions. The changes or decisions, which may be mostly physical, may be as little as changing a diet, exercising more or business decisions. These type of resolutions are the ones that I am mostly familiar with. In my opinion, I feel a resolution should be held close to the heart and not shared. I don’t believe in sharing my dreams and/or goals, or my fears.
One’s chievements are also as sacred as the process of getting to the achievement.
This season, I have decided to bring people with me to watch me and to relate to them in this journey as they get a snapshot of my life. In the most recent past I have had to look at myself very critically and truthfully to make the necessary changes for my growth and healing process. My resolutions in the prior seasons have been to work on my emotional health and spiritual grounding. This is a work in progress and I am still working on them.
I have made intentional decisions to feed my soul with knowledge and put myself in situations that build and encourage me.
It has taken a lot of prayer, tears, and cleansing to get to where I am. I have had to take a hard look at my inner circle and know who I can still keep in it. This is based on the personality and my growth journey. In addition, I have also had to be very succinct on what I need from them and also understand what their expectations are of me. This helps me know whether I am ready to commit to such relationships. This is based on where I am with my journey or I would be setting myself up for failure.
The other important thing I look at also is the type of energy and vibes that I feel are radiating from the other party. I intentionally and unapologetically get rid of individuals that I feel radiate negative energy and bad vibes. This is done by blocking phone numbers, saving people as “Do not Answer” and restricting my access to people.
Although this self love journey is long and feels like peeling an onion,
The most important and most life changing decision I made was and still is working on my mental health. This is a subject that is highly ignored and frowned upon. It is a stigma that has been put in the society and everyone, especially those who need it the most, shun away from this. Anytime someone goes through any form of life change, abuse, growth, sickness, relationship challenges, loss and anything else that is not the norm, they get affected mentally.
This is the most challenging and selfish journey I have had to take as a woman, mother, human being and a society builder. It is my realization that a lot of things if left unattended cause a lot of hurt when dealing with them. I never dealt with some traumas I went through at the time. And I am excellent at compartmentalizing and pressing the ignore button on anything hurtful in my life.
I started this journey in the beginning of 2018 after I realized that I did not like my life and who I had become as an individual. I was doing a disservice to my son as I was not taking initiative to get mentally better for him. It was my belief that as long as I was not suffering a Sickle Cell crisis, I am doing great and checking off the motherly duties box. Being able to drop him off to school, pick him up and do his school activities was also on the checklist.
After I went through the court system with my child’s father,
I did not know how to get myself out of the combative mode. I did not realize this at the time since I was not in control of my life in that situation. My feeling was that I needed more control at home. Hindsight being 2020, I now realize that all the yelling I did at home to my child who had nothing to do with what was going on, was all me lashing out.
My child was scared of me and would shake like a leaf when I called his name even when playing. At one point he had an accident when I called out to him and that was when I realized that the fear that my son had for me was too much. It was even more unsettling not knowing whether he loved me with his pure innocence or he loved me out of fear. I am not ashamed to say that I see a therapist on the regular and they stay on a retainer.
This was a very challenging decision and realization that I had to come to as I never understood what a therapist really does, and I questioned if I was ready to face the truth about myself, and what I would do with that information. My biggest regret is not making steps earlier and being intentional and resolute earlier on in life when life happened.
As we go ahead and make resolutions and decide on the changes you want to see in your life and in people around you.
We can work on the inside too. We can always have some vain resolutions, relative statement, anytime but do not let that be all we decide to intentionally work on. Please always remember that we are beautiful, royal and magical creatures and everything around us needs to be running under normal temperature and pressure, relative to our lives, to be able to spread the magic and hold up our Kingdoms.
Until next time
Your one and only